Five social media stunts my “friends” deserve to be shot for!

“People are fucking stupid”     
 – George Carlin

This basic cultural hypothesis is the backbone of modern critical thought and it shall be my endeavor to present you with any proof I come across to this end.

To more pressing issues now. Social Media Executives for example, have today become what Customer Relationship associates were in the late 90s. Cool.

It is no wonder, therefore, that every person who has ever owned half a smart phone envisions a lucrative career in live tweeting, online poker, virtual farming and even facebook marketing . And bundled with such hallucinatory visions comes an asinine need for attention. The quest to seed the next viral, they call it. Some attribute it to the latent human need for self actualization. A few take it seriously and call it social media marketing. Whatever you may choose to call it, shit by any other name will still stink up the room.

Having ended the last paragraph abruptly in order to stress on the profundity of the phrase in the last line, I am under immense pressure to get to the point in this one. So listed below are stupid things my “friends” on social media have done in the past month which indicate evolution is not uniform.

 5. Add my other friends: Everyone has idiots like this on their list. In case a healthy discussion does perchance happen on a website, these leeches are usually the ones sucking the sense out of it. With their lame innuendoes and their naughty but innocent tone of voice, these social butterflies will leave no joke website unsearched in their quest for a new friend of the other sex. These insensitive dimwits will leave no embarrassing information unshared in this misguided quest. Their very presence is enough to elicit animated response demanding their decapitation from the otherwise sound. There’s a reason you guys haven’t met. Do not meddle with nature. Death awaits you all.

 4. Quoted HIMYM: So what if the first two seasons were watchable, HIMYM (How I Met Your Mother, in case some rare amphibian seaweed are reading this post) is not credible enough a source to be quoting philosophy from. Your trip to Lonavla was not legen….wait for it…dary and you don’t just have to go to bed at two because Ted’s grandma told him shit happens only after two. It’s only fair we ask some questions:

a> Who is Ted’s Grandma?

b> Did she have an active social life?

c> How long did she live?

d> Was she happy when she died?

e>  Would she reconsider her statement upon the moment of death, when she had learnt all she mortally could? In that moment of divine clarity, would she be liable to relax the deadline an hour or so?

f> What if you live in St. Petersburg and go jogging at 3 in the morning?

This list could clearly be longer but the point should be clear even to the severely deluded. There are clearly a few gaping holes in the HIMYM theory of life. It’s a show. Meanwhile, String theory has introduced us to multiple time dimensions and even if you were to go to sleep at two, another you would choose to ignore Ted’s grandma and continue to party in another dimension. HIMYM may not even exist in some others. Explore them.

3. Pinged me and said Hi: I hate Hi. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t accept Hi as a legitimate conversation starter. The least I deserve is three bloody letters. Say Hey or hye even. Just don’t say Hi. Please.

2. Branched out: Please stop adding me to your professional networks on facebook. Its hard enough to have to deal with so many friends, acquaintances, fake pornography and family members, and the marketing dollar associated with them. Don’t you think the world is better off without someone constantly reminding us how well our friends are doing in comparison to us? Besides, what’s linkedin for?

1. Tagged me in illustrations: Don’t you hate these imbeciles who tag you into random illustrations and sometimes, even their profile pictures? No, I am not that wart on your face, thank you! Neither do I care if you think I was the lazy one in class. And although being compared to Chuck Norris is flattering, the woman who’s Sharon Stone in the picture is spoiling Basic Instinct for me!

There’s no real point to this. People who have done this know who they are. Shoot yourself. A little likey likey first maybe!